I’ve attacked ‘emos’, bimbos and sluts (see archives). Now, i’m attacking my very own species- the Singaporean teenager. Like any other compatriot, i love Singapore (don’t laugh), speak Singlish and love my Sing-Life. However the growing number of skinny gliding things had made me concerned.
1)skinnies. Apparently it is fashionable for adolescent males to go shopping in the women’s department. They like to purchase and wear tight pants called ‘skinnies’. They squeeze their long gangly legs into tight corduroy and emerge looking as if something’s stuck somewhere. (ouch.) i believe they put themselves through this for a variety of reasons: 1.) They were brainwashed by the 80’s drainpipe pants fad. 2) they enjoy the sensation of getting pubic hairs stuck while zipping. 3)they feel good in female, figure-hugging clothes (who knows, bras’ll come next) 4). They believe compressing their reproductive organs is beneficial 5) They like it “hot and sticky” down there.
2)keeping it low. There are 2 general rules to follow when wearing low cut pants-A. Keep it hair-free and B. Don’t stop til you hit The Bottom. I’ve had the misfortune of seeing a teen girl, very smug in her hipster jeans that barely hugged her hip, and instead revealed something black and curly. And do wear proper underwear when attempting to this style- there’s nothing glamorous about seeing someone’s rubberized cotton panties, looking yellow and maternal, sticking out of her behind. For guys, it’s a game of “how low can you go?” it is common consensus that the lower his pants are, the ‘cooler’ a guy is. So i suppose a guy with his zippers at his knees is very cool indeed.
3)straw heads. I’m sorry. I meant rebonded hair. but they look very alike, and i have problems differentiating the two. In order to fit into the elite Singaporean teen scene, your hair must be straight. This is especially so for girls, because you have to accomplish that compulsory, block-out-half-of-my-face fringe, or else you’ll be branded as nerdy or ugly. To achieve this, most girls rebond their already-straight hair (in other words, kill their hair.) what is left on their heads is a straight lump of damaged, dried-out and limp hair, looking suspiciously like straw. When they tie it up, it hangs like a dead horse’s tail. And when it’s down, it’s all identical: a swept fringe, layered hair (all straaaight of course). Perhaps they all went to the same hair salon?
4). Ghastly hair colour. This phenomenon is especially prevalent during the school holidays. Chinese people naturally have yellow pigment in their skin. And yet these Chinese teens persist in dyeing their hair not brown, not pink, not red, but YELLOW. Of course, this is an entirely personal decision. But because i’m not colour blind, i am concerned when i see them prancing around with yellow hair. Yellow+yellow= too much yellow. Don’t they realise they look like walking bananas?
5)’please stop the music ‘ — is exactly what i feel like telling the guy at the bus-stop whenever he plays rihanna’s ‘please don’t stop the music’. Every morning, he serenades the bus-stop with his stale playlist on his MP3. In this MP3 generation, you see teens blasting their earphones so loudly they become megaphones. Once, i tried doing just that. all i could hear from my earphones was distorted noise. This means that our beloved teens enjoy listening to static fuzz with no melody, no discernible bass line, and scratchy vocals. Damaging their eardrums is also very fun, it seems. Apparently the music is so good that they glide around lik zombies, bumping into people and sitting stoned in the bus, even when pregnant women teeter dangerously beside them.
-Having bad music taste is enough. But teens persist in tormenting innocent Singaporeans by blasting their songs out loud on their handphones. What do you get when a bunch of teens blast illegally downloaded crap on their flashy phones? Cheap screechy sounds, no better than the 1960’s transistors old men like to listen to in coffeshops.
This is not a complete guide-if i have to put in another one i’ll throw up the contents of my stomach. Thankfully, not all teens are like that. some of them are aware that there’s more to life than competing to see who has the straightest fringe, or who has the most expensive phone with 1000 irrelevant functions. There’s hope still for Singapore.
Or else, i’ll go mad—and perhaps disembowel someone near me wearing skinnies.
