better than any motivational workshop! Saturday, Apr 19 2008

the following celebrities are multi-taskers to the extreme. they earn big bucks, cook, clean, switch mating partners every nanosecond, get their face splashed across tabloids, rock the stage, drive fast cars AND earn their degrees. who said smart cookies are boring?

• Brian May, guitarist for the rock band Queen:

he recently earned his PhD in astrophysics from London’s Imperial College, handing in his thesis, “Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud.” He’s written a book called Bang! The Complete History of the Universe. May is also an active blogger, with a page on his official website called Brian’s Soapbox.

• Natalie Portman, actress:

Portman graduated from Harvard University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology, and pursued graduate studies at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. She appeared as a guest lecturer at a Columbia University course in terrorism and counterterrorism, where she spoke about her film V for Vendetta. In addition to being bilingual in Hebrew and English, Portman has studied French, Japanese, German and Arabic. Her 1998 high school paper on the “Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen” was entered in the Intel Science Talent Search. In 2002, she contributed to a study on memory called “Frontal Lobe Activation During Object Permanence” during her psychology studies at Harvard.

• Sacha Baron Cohen aka. Ali G and Borat

Before Ali G and Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen studied history at Christ’s College, Cambridge, where he wrote his thesis on the role of Jews in the American civil rights movement. Before breaking into the fake-interviewer business, he worked for investment powerhouses JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs.

• Rowan Atkinson, aka. Mr Bean

he studied electrical engineering at Newcastle University. He continued with an Master’s Degree in Engineering at The Queen’s College, Oxford University. he was quoted as saying, ” I love engineering, but once i handed in my thesis, i knew i was never going to make any use of it.”

• Rivers Cuomo, frontman, Weezer

Rivers Cuomo earned his bachelor’s degree in English Literature at Harvard University and reportedly a spot in the prestigious academic honor society, Phi Beta Kappa. he has also attended the prestigious Berklee School of Music and Santa Monica College.

• Jodie Foster, actress

She graduated Magna Cum Laude from Yale University with a degree in literature. She will receive an honorary doctor of arts degree at the University Of Pennsylvania.

• Greg Graffin, frontman, Bad Religion

Greg Graffin formed Bad Religion with a few high school classmates when he was 15. He is credited with helping rejuvenate the Los Angeles punk scene in the mid-1980s. And when he’s not touring, he’s a professor of life science at UCLA. Graffin earned a PhD in biology from Cornell. His thesis was titled “Monism, Atheism and the Naturalist Worldview: Perspectives from Evolutionary Biology.”

• Adam Sandler, actor

 The comedian whose memorable work include Anger Management and The Wedding Singer has a degree in fine arts from New York University.

• Wentworth Miller, actor

He grew up in a strict academic environment with his father working as a Lawyer Educator and his mother as a Special Education Teacher. he attended the prestigious Princeton University where he would perform with the a cappella group, The Princeton Tigertones. Wentworth received his degree in English Literature in 1995.

after all that is said and done, i hope the lazy bum in you is suitably embarassed.

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The Sick Life. Friday, Apr 11 2008

Flu and I have known each other since 1992. He’s like the ex-boyfriend that never quite leaves you. We have trysts at least 6 times a year. Each time he fries my brain and kisses away my sanity.

I attribute my immune system’s apparent non-existence purely to genetic misadventures. My mother produced me when she was no longer a spring chicken, and scientific research has shown that matured spring chickens produce not-so springy chicks (if you know what I mean). Ditto for my constipation syndrome: I eat more fibre than the average person and yet my rectum isn’t satisfied.

On Monday, my throat fried up. Then BAM! On Tuesday, i sounded worse than the demonic voice on The Exorcist.

“going to school today?” inquired my Personal Secretary.

“Grrsmtckh.. Brrrqrkgk.”

So Tuesday was my unofficial Retard Day. i got up. I ate breakfast. Once again my rectum went away on an indefinite vacation and i really couldn’t be bothered. Placing my expanding arse securely on my chair, i began Retard Surfing. Click, ogle, blow my nose. Click, ogle, blow my nose.

After absorbing useless images of Britney With And Without Bra On, Lindsay Stoned and Not-so-stoned, and a string of other stars Making A Fool Of Themselves, my face nearly exploded with phlegm. I needed to take some medicine.

One of the joys of being retarded is that you take medicine without much thought. Standing in front of the refrigerator, i pulled out a pile. Then i swallowed: Panadol(for headache), Clarinase(for flu), Dhasedyl(for cough, although do love the taste of it).

With three drugs playing scrabble on my central nervous system, i re-attached my arse and spent the remainder of my lucid hours stoning in front of Youtube.

My stomach begged for food. I had twenty dollars to go to the doctor. Instead, i picked up the phone and dialled for Canadian Pizza.

After stuffing my face i hibernated for 5 hours (in fact, whenever i fall sick, i sleep for at least 15 hours a day.)

Then i got up, survived the screams and lectures from my Personal Secretary for spending the doctor’s money on pizza, ate more pizza for dinner, popped more pills, drank cough syrup, and resumed hibernation.

Needless to say, Flu got angry that i didn’t pay any attention to him (that possessive freak). he got his revenge, like always. I had to spend the next three days, as well as $19, focusing on nothing but him.

I’m still on antibiotics, paracetamols and decongestants. i’ve confiscated my rectum’s passport so he cannot go for vacations whenever he feels like it. and there’s more good news: my brain cells are slowly recovering from the Retard Attack. How do i know? Well, yesterday i finally remembered to brush my teeth.

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we used to be friends. Saturday, Apr 5 2008

Is it ever possible for a guy and a girl to be impeccably close friends, without any sexual feelings coming in the way, or other people getting the wrong idea?

Theoretically possible, but in reality, almost impossible.

At least that’s what I think.

Sure, a guy and a girl can always be friends. they can hang out, go for movies, chat, and enjoy each others’ company. They can be pals, sharing secrets and slapping each other on the back. But can they be bosom buddies? Can they sustain the kind of friendship that exists between two best friends of the same sex? Can they ring each other daily, confide and console each other, and still be platonic friends? this is the perennial question that has (and still does) baffled me.

On recollection, i’ve only had 2 male buddies of that sort in my life so far. One was completely gay, so it was easy for us to be close friends. there was no Jealous Girlfriend to speak of, no-one could tease us whatsoever, and there was never any worry that other feelings would taint our friendship. We were such good platonic friends that it was easy to sob on his shoulder during a sappy movie and give each other “stop-my-blood-circulation” hugs whenever we needed one. Communal people-watching, one of my favourite pastimes, was fantastic. We would sit at Long John Silver’s and ogle at guys. We were buddies. Period.

The 2^nd buddy was a healthy male who went for girls, not guys. He was funny, understanding, outgoing and loud. We clicked over our shared love for good food. I thought, “hey, it is possible for a guy and a girl to be close pals.” Everything went smoothly for a nearly a year, and our customary greeting was also a “stop-my-blood-circulation” hug. We were buddies. Period.

But i was wrong.

One sweaty Saturday afternoon, as we were busy yakking away over a nasi lemak lunch, he put down his fork abruptly and cleared his throat. “what’s the matter?” i joked. “snorted an ikan bilis?” to my surprise, he put one awkward hand on my arm. And what he said next made me snort an ikan bilis.

He asked me out.

Unlike some other teenage girls who willingly date every Tom, Dick and Harry (and sometimes, even Larry) who comes along, simply to fill their “Honour Roll”, i beg to differ. It’s not something I’m proud of. The moment he uttered those words, i felt like forcing them back into his voice box. We were comfortably driving down an open stretch of road when he suddenly had to veer into an alley.

That Saturday afternoon sent my mind into overdrive, because i knew our friendship would never be the same again. After nearly a year of brotherly-sisterly ties, was this what everything amounted to? Was it all a facade on his part? Why oh why did deeper feelings have to interfere? I was saddened to think that the friendship we had wasn’t really a pure “friendship” after all. When i looked at him, i saw a close pal. When he looked at me, what did he see?

True enough, after that encounter and all that happened, we drifted apart and are now mere acquaintances, albeit awkward ones. A loss of a close friend. It hit me badly.

Perhaps i was a fool not to see the signs, and to believe too wholeheartedly in the possibility of unadulterated buddy-ness between a guy and a girl. Perhaps i should have drawn the line somewhere. But this is what I am. I can be quite a social bimbo.

I’m not completely shutting myself off from such future friendships, but i’m certainly much more cautious now. I’ve learnt that every single gesture, action and remark can be misinterpreted and send wrong signals to the opposite party. All the more if the party is from the opposite sex. Guys can be sincere friends who are less scheming then foxy girls, but we girls can seldom (if never) fully guess what goes on in the mind of guys. What makes them tick? God knows.

As The Cardigans put it, you live and learn. After living for nearly 16 years on this bizarre planet of ours, i finally feel like i’m scratching the surface of the incredibly complex world of Relationships.

Or maybe, i’m still a social bimbo.

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