The Sick Life.

Flu and I have known each other since 1992. He’s like the ex-boyfriend that never quite leaves you. We have trysts at least 6 times a year. Each time he fries my brain and kisses away my sanity.

I attribute my immune system’s apparent non-existence purely to genetic misadventures. My mother produced me when she was no longer a spring chicken, and scientific research has shown that matured spring chickens produce not-so springy chicks (if you know what I mean). Ditto for my constipation syndrome: I eat more fibre than the average person and yet my rectum isn’t satisfied.

On Monday, my throat fried up. Then BAM! On Tuesday, i sounded worse than the demonic voice on The Exorcist.

“going to school today?” inquired my Personal Secretary.

“Grrsmtckh.. Brrrqrkgk.”

So Tuesday was my unofficial Retard Day. i got up. I ate breakfast. Once again my rectum went away on an indefinite vacation and i really couldn’t be bothered. Placing my expanding arse securely on my chair, i began Retard Surfing. Click, ogle, blow my nose. Click, ogle, blow my nose.

After absorbing useless images of Britney With And Without Bra On, Lindsay Stoned and Not-so-stoned, and a string of other stars Making A Fool Of Themselves, my face nearly exploded with phlegm. I needed to take some medicine.

One of the joys of being retarded is that you take medicine without much thought. Standing in front of the refrigerator, i pulled out a pile. Then i swallowed: Panadol(for headache), Clarinase(for flu), Dhasedyl(for cough, although do love the taste of it).

With three drugs playing scrabble on my central nervous system, i re-attached my arse and spent the remainder of my lucid hours stoning in front of Youtube.

My stomach begged for food. I had twenty dollars to go to the doctor. Instead, i picked up the phone and dialled for Canadian Pizza.

After stuffing my face i hibernated for 5 hours (in fact, whenever i fall sick, i sleep for at least 15 hours a day.)

Then i got up, survived the screams and lectures from my Personal Secretary for spending the doctor’s money on pizza, ate more pizza for dinner, popped more pills, drank cough syrup, and resumed hibernation.

Needless to say, Flu got angry that i didn’t pay any attention to him (that possessive freak). he got his revenge, like always. I had to spend the next three days, as well as $19, focusing on nothing but him.

I’m still on antibiotics, paracetamols and decongestants. i’ve confiscated my rectum’s passport so he cannot go for vacations whenever he feels like it. and there’s more good news: my brain cells are slowly recovering from the Retard Attack. How do i know? Well, yesterday i finally remembered to brush my teeth.

Tags: happy, medicine, retarded, sad, sick