life’s a more than just a bitch.

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Recently I’ve finished the novel Saturday by Ian McEwan. And finally, after a long, long time, something I read actually made sense to me. The excerpt goes like this:

” When we go on about the big things, the political situation, global warming, world poverty, it all looks really terrible, with nothing getting better, nothing to look forward to. But when I think small, closer in-you know, a girl I’ve just met, or this song we’re doing with Chas, or snowboarding next month, then it looks great. So this is going to be my motto- think small.”

The problem with me is that I think too much. I absorb, analyse, chew, mull over, ferment, preserve and after an eon, I finally spit out the dry remnants of my thoughts that bother me. Every lousy incident buries its fangs at the back of my mind, hanging on like a leech, churning endlessly like a fetid abscess. In my cynical, this-is-a-fucked-up-world fashion, I pick at my mental scabs and scratch, scratch, scratch. As a result, I’m seldom at peace.

There have been countless moments where I’ve declared that the world was meaningless and life was a bitch. Well, life is a bitch. But then again, that’s because I choose to think that life is a bitch. Life can also be a stage, a carousel, a bus ride, a piece of toilet paper, or even spaghetti. Life can be anything in my mind. Life is boring because I choose not to get my arse off the sofa and do something. But life can be wonderful when I learn to appreciate the small things.

I’ve always had, and still do, have my whiny moments. But when I think about it, I turn red with shame. How self-centred and naive I am! Of course there is nothing glorious in being a short, sweaty full-time student juggling asinine subjects and having to meet all sorts of assholes and irritants daily. But there is something nice about being a full-time student. I can get to freeload off my parents, I meet new people, I forge friendships, I laugh my head off during lessons, and I can even get to label the various parts of the male reproductive system.

There are some teenagers who piss me off, because they whine and whine endlessly about how horrible their lives are. In reality they have nothing, absolutely nothing to complain about.  Teens in Third World countries sleep under bridges and prostitute themselves just to earn $20 a month, and here we have teens whining about killing themselves once they get anything less than $20 a week for allowance.

And of course, I can go on about Africa and Cambodia.

I’d like to think small. No matter how many “fuck you-s” I holler, no matter how many times I condemn someone to fiery hell, nothing is going to change. Perhaps if I worry less about the big picture, and instead try to see the good in every situation, my life won’t be such a mean bitch after all.

• Even though I have a practically alienated father, I still have a omnipotent mother who is able to function as mother, father, sister, cook and personal secretary.
• Even though I am physically short, I certainly don’t feel short.
• Even though I suck at Chinese, at least I still can cuss fluently in it.
• Even though I have rebellious curly hair which constantly defies gravity, at least I’m not bald.
• Even though I don’t have a boyfriend, at least I can unashamedly ogle at the hot Eurasian guy who takes the same bus as me every morning.
• Even though I missed Stereophonics Live at Fort Canning on Monday, at least I can use the ticket money to buy 4 CDs.
• Even though mosquitoes feast on me regularly, at least I haven’t caught dengue yet.
• Even though I can’t swim, a muscular lifeguard can save me when I drown.
• Even though people are afraid of me, at least my best friend isn’t.
• Even though I fall sick often, at least I get to Eat, Sleep, Pop Pills, Eat, Sleep, Pop Pills. Oh, and I appreciate my health even more.

• Even though I get disappointed all the time, my auntie’s mean chocolate brownie doesn’t disappoint.

have a nice day.

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