Be Your Own Pet.

Love it or hate it, 2008 is slipping away faster than you know it. Here I am, spending the first few waking hours of New Year’s Eve churning out yet another long essay on my blog. It’s been a while since I came here, but now I’m back, and very much alive, thank you.

It’s ironic how much a person can change by 360 degrees in 365 days. looking back at my New Year’s Eve post exactly a year ago, i laugh out loud in disbelief at my attitude then. Go ahead and read that post. I was so negative, pessimistic and brooding, it was as if i was suicidal and actually slashing my wrists in misery as i blogged. I saw the glass as half empty (or nearly empty, in my case) and mulled over the lacerations, magnifying it in the microscope of my mind.

this year was no less shitty, too. my mother’s depression became almost manic, fights became more severe, ugly truths surfaced, and the O levels whammed me from all sides. and there was the problem of  My “Beautiful” Mind, which was the disease that resided within myself. it wasn’t outright depression, but it was a hollow sickness, a vacuum that reduced me to a walking puppet. life was locomotion and i moved along mechanically. well, if you lived with a depressive, you’d be like me too.

but this year, i’ve learnt something finally, something that school couldn’t teach me, that no one else could possibly communicate to me.

LIFE’S LIKE THAT.

you fall and you hurt yourself, but you don’t lie there on the kerb forever and whine about it. you get up and walk, after a little healing. the problem with me was that whenever i fell, i would brood about my wounds, and then i’d decide that a walk outside wasn’t worth it. then i’d shrink back home, slam the door shut, stay indoors and ponder over the wound that was. in my ill temper, i’d look out the window and regard the other people outside with disdain, preferring my misery to company, relishing my isolation.

but i forgot that as long as you were walking on your two feet, you were bound to fall. and those falls were meant to teach you and build you up. like how once, a little boy was leading his sister up a mountain path that wasn’t too easy. “why, this isn’t a path at all,” the little girl complained. “It’s all rocky and bumpy.” Her little brother replied, “Sure, the bumps are what you climb on.” We can’t prevent the crisis hours of our life, but we can deal successfully with them, and turn bad things into good things.

So this year, I’ve finally stepped out of my dark house to enjoy the sunshine on the sidewalk. I’ve made new, lasting friendships. I’ve done crazy things, like terrorising little children at theme parks and shaking hands with random people on the street on Christmas. I’ve (finally) come clean with an old crush, and it wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined. I (finally) spent Christmas with my mum. I fell, for the first time in my life, for a complete geek who laughed at the word “boob” everytime. I never thought I’d allow myself to commit that sin, but I have.

I’ve done something the Old Jenny would’ve laughed at: I’ve moved on from Green Day and related punk bands, and have since broadened my musical horizons to include alternative and indie bands which make much more sense to me than George Bush and his oddities. I picked up Bible reading, which previously was as boring as hell to me, and I now meditate on Christian books daily.  Best of all, I started attending church again. I know that the Old Jenny would’ve crucified me for that.

Thank you, 2008, for everything you’ve thrown at me. I’ll say yes to any challenge that will befall me next year. what about you? will you exit the year with a flourish or a whimper?