In my 17685th essay here, I am going to talk about my deteriorating self-esteem. Brace yourselves.
Well I don’t exactly know how to beat around the bush for this one, so I’m going to spit out the sorry truth. And the sorry truth is that I feel so worthless sometimes. Not that I’m blaming God or anyone for that. Nor do I expect any heavenly assistance for this because this is my own stupid problem. But that’s the sorry truth right there.
And the sorry truth gets sorrier: I especially have a problem with good-looking or “cool” people.
You see, whenever I speak to good-looking people or “cool” people, I automatically feel that I don’t deserve to speak to them. I feel unworthy to occupy their time. Why should they waste their time talking to losers like me? What ensues physically is that I start to clam up and babble lame things like “The weather’s so shitty”. And that probably seals the deal for them because they clam up too and give me weird looks. They’re probably thinking, “No, you’re shitty. And boring. This is the end of our conversation.”
Which really doesn’t help my self-esteem at all.
And it hurts when people stereotype you and assume that there’s nothing more to you. That you’re just a nerdy-pants who looks nerdy and lives nerdily ever after. Which may be true to a certain extent. But every nerdy-pants, though he/she may be as flat and boring as a coin, does have two sides, no?
Take for example the schoolmate who only bothers to talk to you to:
- Find out about your grades
- Ask if you study every day (which, for clarification, is a NO)
- Find out about the day’s homework
- Copy your homework
and thereafter assume that you do not exist.
I’m starting to think that all this has a link with my slouch, which has more or less reduced my backbone shape to that of a prawn’s. I’m not a Hunchback of Notre Dame yet though. Might reach that level in a few year’s time.
To conclude this depressing essay, I’d just like to say that it’s only human nature to judge and stereotype. For example I’m judging those “cool” people myself and assuming that they’re dismissing me. And similarly others judge me and assume that my main goal in life is to finish my homework. So this is how karma works then. I’ll just swallow my pride, lower my head and walk along. And maybe secretly swallow some potato chips as well.
Tags: life, little things, sadness, school, self-esteem
October 29, 2009 at 2:19 pm
omggggg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Y-txJHja4A
Totally know what you mean! I’m worse than having a slouch, I (still) have the worst of all adolescent enemy – the acne
Which made me even leveled up to Nerd Nirvana or something. Oh well! But hey c’mon sometimes when one slow down to think, these stuff don’t matter, even for just a little while 
November 1, 2009 at 8:28 am
“Nerd Nirvana” LOL. I love that.
October 29, 2009 at 4:11 pm
hahahaha omg this is cool “I’ll just swallow my pride, lower my head and walk along. And maybe secretly swallow some potato chips as well.” LOL
October 30, 2009 at 1:55 am
Hi Jenny! It’s been a while since I’ve visited.
While I empathize with what you’re saying (I, too, have been there), I also want to point out a few things.
Nobody’s really paying THAT much attention, or judging you that harshly. All those things you think they’re thinking? Chances are they probably didn’t even notice. Chances are that they don’t even care. Everyone is too wrapped up in their OWN respective insecurities.
Just my $0.02. Chin up and take care!
PS: I agree that your schoolmate seems like a dick. (I read between the lines)
November 1, 2009 at 8:27 am
Hey Amy!!! I saw that you moved to tumblr now. Thanks for dropping by
Now that you’ve mentioned it, I guess it’s true. Even the coolest kid on the block will have her own insecurities. I guess it’s time for me to stop worrying about what others think of me, and live my life.
November 2, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I stumbled upon this blog today, during my alotted time to be finishing an outline for a college course. I obviously don’t have my priorities straight, but I needed to say something to you before these thoughts lost their luster to a mind-numbing book only hell would make people read. It’s that awful.
So, when I found your blog, I read the first page of posts because the most recent one intrigued me, and I connected with it all too well. To my surprise, I found that we’re living quite parallel lives. I feel that you are the Singapore version of me, and I the American version of you.
I know that this must sound crazy, but the similarities I have with you are undeniable, even within a few blogposts.
I could make a list of what we share, but that’s not necessary, and probably would be quite odd to read. I may get an account on wordpress now. Call it narcissism, but I simply can’t sense such a strong connection with someone and not drop in from time to time.
Have a nice day.
November 3, 2009 at 8:14 am
Hey Kristina,
I’m dying to read your entries (if you do get a wordpress account) so don’t hesitate to drop by with your link.
At this point I’m also supposed to finish a presentation for my course but like you, my priorities drift all over the place.
This is really surreal, to know that people all over the world lead parallel lives. It gives you an epiphany, the realisation that it’s time to stop moping around and embrace every inch of your (eccentric) personality. Simply ‘cos it’s real, and it’s there.
You have a nice day too.
November 26, 2009 at 7:55 am
I enjoyed reading on your site , it’s full of great information. You just got one perennial visitor and a fan of your blog.