Archive for the 'god' Category

And “Oh My God” Is All We Can Say

November 7, 2009

We are so ignorant. I’m so angry. There’s so much shit happening in the world. And we all let it happen.

I’m reeling in shock from what I’ve just read about what’s happening in West Africa. Well, yes, I love current affairs and TIME magazine and all that wordy crap. And yes I’m a dork. But moving on.

You may think “Yeah, yeah, they have no food, no water, they are skinny, they can’t read and there’s AIDS. Can you tell me something that I don’t already know?”

But this more than that. It’s not just sad or heart-wrenching. It’s scary.

Everyone’s involved in this. And the scary thing is that we don’t know it.

This seems pretty ridiculous and heavy. It shouldn’t be on the average person blog. But I can’t help it. I’m so disturbed. I’m going to write an entry here soon about this. You have been warned.

Picture 1

Time Of Your Life.

October 28, 2009

As you can tell from my mundane ramblings, there is nothing spectacular about being Jennyspeaks. I’ve not had any unwanted pregnancies, wardrobe malfunctions, nipple piercings or anything that is remotely “cool” in the dictionary of Teenage-dom. And in teenage terms I’m probably best defined as “uncool”.

But maybe next year on the 14th of January, I might be an ounce less uncool than I was before. Just maybe.

That’s because the rock band that I’ve been obsessing over ever since I started producing oestrogen is finally coming to Singapore. And locked up in my drawer lies the golden (free standing) ticket to their concert. Which had me digging into my retirement account.

Green Day

Green Day Live in Singapore.

14th January 2010.

Singapore Indoor Stadium.

*falls to the ground in reverence*

You’re needed, so stick around.

August 22, 2009

Ever had the feeling that you were just horribly inadequate? That you were neglecting everything and everyone around you?

I did.

I felt like a lousy friend. When I met up with my best friend yesterday after aeons, I realised how much I underestimated the significance of our friendship. I thought that I would be able to get along just fine with my life even though we met up erratically.

But after all the disappointments I’ve faced so far, after putting my faith in people that didn’t put their faith in me, it was such a blessing to see my old girlfriend waiting for me at the bus interchange. As reliable as clockwork. As sincere and real as she always was. It was just like the old times as we shared the grievances we both faced in our new lives. Spending the day with her totally made my day. It also reminded me that when the world ditches you, someone would be there you lift you out of the gutters.

I felt like a lousy daughter too. I was spending less and less time with my mother. And I knew that I was all that she had left. It sort of pained me to see her waiting up for me all alone when I came home late. The moment I stepped into the door till the instant when my head hit the pillow, my mum would bombard me from all sides, asking me about my day, offering me a supermarket full of food to eat, relating the full news bulletin to me, etc. All her small talk just screamed of loneliness.

But after all the empty chairs and distant faces, the fake smiles and manipulation, the using and the discarding, it was such a blessing to return to my pigsty of a home, and see a familiar face waiting for me. Someone who was joined at the hip with me, whether the both of us liked it or not. In a way we were both in the same boat, me with my busy life and she with her quiet life. We both felt alone and clung to each other for reassurance.

What’s the present without the past? As I soon found out, I truly needed these two characters back in my present, and hopefully they’ll stick around for my future too. I’m sorry to have left them out of the script so far. Maybe that’s what was missing from it.

Dating 101, as told by my mother

July 14, 2009

My mother and I hardly talk about boys, even though we’re pretty close. And so recently, it was a rare privilege for me to be able to engage in a few minutes of civil discourse with her over the subject of dating.

It has always fascinated me that my mother has extremely low libido, even through her teenage years (or so she claims). She has always insisted that she never had any problems with boys whatsoever during her school years, and that she never had crushes nor dated. How efficient. And she expects me to do the same. According to her, such complications only arose when she hit the ripe old age of 25. It makes me secretly wonder if my mother was a butch when she was younger (after all, she was a competitive netballer). Okay I’m just kidding. Of course she wasn’t a butch.

Respectfully bearing in mind my mother’s stand on boys, (“You are a Christian girl. God will keep you safe from such things”) I quietly kept all my messy hormonal adventures (or rather, misadventures) to myself. We remained as close as ever, but I just had to improve on my secret-hoarding skills. And improve they did.

I am very proud to say that as of 12 July 2009, my mother still thinks that I am “safe” from “such things”. I am also very pleased with myself for that. Just about a month ago, when I was marking the 17th year of my existence, the both of us were taking stock of my life and it slowly evolved to the subject of dating.

“See mum, I’ve been such a good daughter. I never gave you boy trouble,” I said teasingly.

Her expression changed. Somehow she clearly felt uncomfortable but had to say something anyway: “Of course, you’re baptized in Christ. He will keep you safe.”

“What if I get a boyfriend now?”

“It just shows that you have strayed. You have become distracted. Good girls don’t do such things.”

“So I can become a nun, then?”

“No I didn’t raise you to become a nun. I will not allow that.”

“So you want me to live like a nun without becoming a nun.”

“What I’m saying is, God will provide you with a companion when you are in university. He will be intelligent and holding a good job. Or else, you will find your future husband in Church. I hope you date that altar server, the one who won the “Altar Server of the Year” award. He looks so holy and righteous.”

“Mum, that altar server wants to become a priest.”

“Then find another altar server. Oh, and put your sons in servers too…”

And so there ended the longest conversation I ever had with her on dating. And her instructions were very clear.

The thing is, my dear mother does not understand that most (but not all, I hope) males in church are no better than males out-of-church when it comes to serial dating. As one friend put it: “Don’t ever date a server. They are players.”

I think it’s in times like these that my mother and I revolve in different solar systems. While my mother’s advice is very entertaining, I don’t buy it. I don’t believe in restricting a relationship to a specific time/place. Or in my case, to a specific altar server.

What I do believe in is letting God take control of what happens or doesn’t. I’m pretty sure God isn’t going to cast me into the pits of hell for lusting over a guy, or for dating a player. I can get a guy’s number and seek him out; but what happens after that is beyond my control. I can date all I want and get my heart trampled; but I know that at the end of the day He will be there listening to my rants.

So dear mum, thank you for your advice. However I don’t think the birds and the bees are about university guys or church guys or what-have-you.

I think it’s about living and learning. The practical way.

I’ve Got The Last Word!

May 13, 2009

Oh well. Here I am again after – months? – of absence. It’s been a long time. Life has been busy and full. Yeah yeah, four weeks into Mess Communication and I have my hands full. Did i just say Mess Communications? Well in a sense these 4 weeks have been a mess. I don’t even have time to play with my pimple pus and contemplate about life from the toilet seat. Polytechnic life has been out of this world, and everyday just makes me drained and zombified.

Yes, I’ve lost touch with blogging. To all the people who kept coming back, for those kind folks who (still) keep my links, gracias. truly. Of course this ain’t the end. You’ll still see me around here. But first of all I’ll set the record straight.

To this certain someone, whose pervasive comments in my previous post have scored me my most “popular” post ever, I’d like to tell you something: Go get a life for yourself. In case you’ve just realised, you’re insulting people from all ends of the earth who have never even met you, nor badmouthed you. For God’s sake, my “poor little Indian” mother has got nothing to do with you, nor you with her.

I am absolutely proud of my parents, no matter what they’ve done, no matter what mistakes they’ve made as parents. Yes, my parents are divorced and my wonderful “poor little ignorant” Indian mother has raised me selflessly despite all the odds. I won’t divorce her. You have no right to judge her. You don’t even know her name. (thanks for the senseless “divorce” suggestion. by the way, how do you even divorce your own parents? when you find out tell me how.)

I am also absolutely unafraid to tell the world that I’m C-A-T-H-O-L-I-C and proud of that too. Call me a Jesus-lover, a holey-moley, a Christian in China or whatever you said. I respect people’s opinions, I know that not everyone feels the same way about religion. But heck, my blog comment page ain’t a bloody forum for you to rant about your Mickey Mouse sequin wallet and your view about Buddhists in China. Or tell me your weird philosophical takes on Obama and the Thai government. I don’t need another lecture.

And please leave me out of your long-running squabble with Chanatip. I don’t want to know about it.

Heard of a blog? Silly me, of course you do. Now go get one, and you can post AND comment non-stop, for ever and ever. Amen.

Last of all, stop sending me random “U r fucked” Facebook messages. At least learn how to spell the words “you” and “are” and spare me the agony. I honestly don’t know what your beef with me is, and you resort to the cowardice of leaving anonymous hate messages for me to laugh at.

I’m proud of who I am, whatever I’ve said in this blog, and all the things that make me who I am.

NOW DEAL WITH IT, GIRL.

*p.s All comments are under moderation now. sorry about that! :)

The Post-Constipation Post

February 11, 2009

It’s really uncanny how much constipation has loomed large over my life. Both literally and metaphorically. I’ve had struggles with my rectum ever since I was born, and yet constipation has become more than just a health woe for me. Constipation (not of the literal kind) has now become a word in my dictionary of emotions. It means to have a pent-up of feelings, a sense of quiet despair and discomfort, when too much crap has been building up inside of you and you can’t seem to let it out. I “feel” constipated whenever I feel lousy, bloated with feelings but I can’t help but keep it all inside simply cos I’m too lazy busy to release them.

Thus I’ve called this the “Post-Constipation” post, cos it’s like this huge release for me, as I’ve not blogged in a while. So bear with me as I dislodge all the hardened contents of my mental bowels, in this long, crappy post.

Every once in a while, even the most brilliant of writers become lazy unbothered  so busy that they fail to come up with anything. I am no exception. For the past few weeks I was lazy unbothered quite caught up with my new money-making hobby: work. Since it had been some time since both my muscle and brain cells had been decently utilised, my first work week was, simply put, hell. For once in my life, I felt completely stupid as I fumbled about awkwardly, struggling to remember recipes (I worked in a cafe) and cooking up a disaster in the kitchen. I spent my nights after work studiously revising things like How many minutes I should deep-fry onion rings and How many scoops of vanilla powder went into making different smoothies. Hell, I even my usual dreams were replaced with work-related nightmares (such as when I burned the roast chicken).

Many interesting things happened at work, and I was itching to get it all down in my typical cynical fashion, but sheer lethargy bogged me down. when I was not working, all I wanted to do was to switch off my brain and rot with Ellen DeGeneres. I was utterly numbed. As a result I truly became lazy and unbothered to blog.

And then divine intervention came. In the form of a book.

I was floundering through the library one day after a particularly nasty day at work (TWO  elderly customers complained that they couldn’t chew my Roasted Chicken. Get some dentures, ya hags!) when I picked up a random autobiography in the Music section. It had a nice picture of U2 in the front together with a not-so-nice picture of some man, presumably the author Neil McCormick. It was called I Was Bono’s Doppelganger. The blurb promised lots of racy scandal (“Bad sex, weird drugs, bizarre haircuts” it read) and since it promised some relation to everybody’s favourite rock-superhero Bono, I borrowed it. Eagerly, I attacked the novel, hoping to unwind with page after page of brainless, rock-star misadventures.

Instead what I read caught me by surprise. The book was essentially about McCormick’s quest for rock stardom, together with his schoolmate at Mount Temple Comprehensive, Paul Hewson (that’s Bono to you and me). Both Hewson and McCormick were in bands and harboured dreams of making it big, but only Hewson’s band succeeded eventually. While McCormick tried and tried relentlessly for more than twenty years to be heard, his former schoolmate soared higher and higher into the stratosphere of rock stardom. Thus unravels this sorry saga of a truly talented musician who lives in Bono’s shadow.

Sure, there are plenty of “sex, drugs and not-so-rocking rock&roll” bites for tabloid junkies like me to chew on, but underneath it all, I saw myself in McCormick. A strangely distorted reflection, at least. Previously, I too wanted a slice of such a lifestyle. I started out somewhat like McCormick, playing in amateur bands when I was 14, even when I could barely grasp the neck of the bass guitar. You may not believe this, but actually I was bitten by the Bug. The Bug to be famous. As a child of the TV generation (I had been watching MTV together with Sesame Street), it seemed to me the pinnacle of success, the achievement of my life if only I could appear inside that metal box. Being on TV seemed like the ultimate goal.

In the early days of my confused adolescence I was convinced that it was my destiny playing in stadium in front of a screaming audience. I worked hard at learning the guitar. I threw myself in the whole punk culture (listening to nothing else other that the screaming squalls of Sid Vicious and other punk gods) and was so sure that life was about rock&roll.

Unlike McCormick, who took twenty years of wrong turnings to finally get himself together, I was fortunate enough to be slapped on the face and shaken hard, pulling myself out of that silly dream. I realised that making music was about passion and expression, not making money and rolling around in Cadillacs. Today, I’m a very different person. I’m no longer a punk, or a whatever; I don’t subscribe to any particular music genre. I’m ready to embrace anything that moves me within.

I Was Bono’s Doppelganger is an airy, extremely funny and strangely poignant tale. As Bono remarked, McCormick has an ability to make “extremely heavy things feel weightless”. As if a reminder from above, a book I had picked to enjoy a temporary diversion into racy trash, instead had eye-opening passages on God. Bono has great faith in his maker, while McCormick is a committed, cynical atheist. The conversations between the two on God’s existence are extremely entertaining, but strike a chord with readers as well. The final, bittersweet twist emerges at the end when McCormick, ever the devout atheist, writes a very beautiful song about God. the song came to him in a dream, and proved to be elusive piece that finally clinches him a record deal, at the not-so-rock&roll age of 40.

So here we are, people. For those who have managed to stay with me till this far, you’ve officially ploughed through 1072 words!

Just to let you know, McCormick’s defining song, entitled I Found God, is neither preachy nor proselytsing. It’s extremely simple and yet carries alot of depth. some think of it as an atheist anthem. some view it as an affirmation. I tend to think it’s the latter. Here, read the lyrics and decide for yourself.

I found God
In the first place that I looked
I found God
In the crannies and the nooks
I found God
Underneath a stone
I found God
Didnt even have to leave my home
I found God
I found God

I found the Buddha
Sitting cross legged by the door
I found Jesus
Nailed and bleeding on the floor
I found the Prophet
Up to his neck in sand
I found God
Wherever I found man
I found God
In a hundred different places
With a thousand different voices
And a million different faces
I found God
I found God

I found God
Down the smoking barrel of a gun
I found God
In bones bleached white beneath the sun
I found God
Amongst the killers and the rapists
I found God
Between the proddies and the papists
I found God
In temples turned to rubble
I found God
On the pulpit stirring up more trouble
I found God
On both sides of the war
With the bigots and the fascists
Kicking down my door
I found God
I found God

And I said My God, my God
What have You done?
Why is this life so hard
For everyone?

And God said

I found you
Before it all began
I found you
When the universe went bang
I found you
In the cooling of the stars
I watched worlds collide
I wondered how we got this far?
I found you
Crawling from the sea
I found you
Hanging with the monkeys in the trees
I found you
Before you found me
I found you
And I set you free
Free to stand on your own feet
Free to watch the sunrise
Free to be what you can be
Free to be what you despise
Free to glory in the truth
Free to swallow your own lies
Cause I’m coursing through your bloodstream
I’m staring through your eyes
I found you
I found you.

Now I Know Why Kurt Cobain Shot Himself

January 8, 2009
Kurt Cobain, frontman of Nirvana

Kurt Cobain, frontman of Nirvana

I recently received a belated Christmas gift (thanks, Fred) and it was Nirvana’s Greatest Hits collection. I have always had a special fondness for Nirvana and their music, simply because their music was so raw and honest. Not your typical screamo-emo fare you get on radio today, by juvenile bands attempting to sound tortured, but stripped-down bitterness that soars above the music and into your soul.

I listened to the tracks late at night, alone in bed, beginning with “You Know You’re Right,” where Kurt hisses the word “pain” in one long, murderous breath, coupled with Krist Novoselic’s thumping bass and Dave Grohl’s angry drums. Over 15 tracks, Kurt chronicles the various setbacks in his life: a broken home (as vividly depicted in “Sliver”), a tumultous love life (in “About a Girl”), and the cloying mix of sarcasm and delusion that was Kurt’s inner soul (a bittersweet, unplugged “All Apologies”).

The standout track, for me, was “The Man Who Sold The World.” it was a cover of David Bowie’s song, but only a man like Kurt could connect with the despair and loneliness of the song with his searing vocals. He was nearing the crossroads, the climax of frustration and quiet defeat, where neither making music, shooting dope, Courtney Love, or pretty much anything on Earth could fill the hole.

And on April 8, 1994, Kurt created another hole for himself. This time, it was on his head. Kurt was found dead with a shotgun in his hand. Suicide.

It never fails to amaze me, how these rich rock stars with everything they can possibly think of having,still end up depressed and unsatisfied. While common folk get by with less than 10% of what rock stars earn. I can rattle off a list of tortured souls: John Frusciante(RHCP), Ian Curtis(Joy Division), Elvis, Sid Vicious (Sex Pistols), Michael Hutchence (INXS)…

For a while I was baffled by their reason to commit suicide. Then when i was slipping into my agnostic-depressive phase, i accepted their suicides as something brave, something peaceful and even beautiful, for life seemed so painful. But after getting back on my feet because of God, suddenly I saw it all so clearly.

Because their rock wasn’t the real Rock.

they looked to music as the ultimate salvation. they fed their hatred with more poison and channelled it towards their songwriting. they waited in vain for something, someone, to save them. at the end of the day, reclining in a posh Hilton hotel suite with an assortment of booze, drugs and women at their disposal, they saw only emptiness. it was all nothing. but they couldn’t find out was missing, and they took the easy way out.

For a while i thought rock music held it all too. I was wrong. for i was looking for the wrong rock. I failed to see God and his open arms, a father waiting for the prodigal child’s return. For it is written: “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:2).

Maybe Kurt could have found peace at last if he read this:

“Come to me, all of you who are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in Spirit, and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

His life was meaningless, because at the centre of it all, he chose to put worldly things like music at the top. He forgot that living for the world wasn’t enough; he forgot live for himself, for his soul. And once again, maybe he could have identified with:

“Then, brothers, let us leave the flesh (i.e worldly wants) and no longer live according to it. If not, we will die. Rather, walking in the Spirit, let us put to death the body’s deeds do we may live.” (Romans 8:13)

Now, if only someone could’ve shared these with him.

If you’re also going through hard times and you think, “Hey, If God’s do good, why is all this shit happening to me?” ,well, fret not. I was once like you too. But always remember: Life is fleeting. It doesn’t last forever. The world is not a place where you put your faith and belief in, because I can guarantee you you’re gonna be disappointed. people change, friends cheat, and as Murphy says: “If anything can go wrong, it will.”

However, there’s one person you can put your faith in, and that’s God. He doesn’t fade away like some rock tune. Live your life in the quiet confidence that He will work things out in the end, somehow, even in ways we don’t understand. Stop trying to understand stuff for a while; you’ll realise life is alot easier if you stop analysing, rationalising and arguing. Be still and trust Him in simple, childlike belief.

And then life gets alot simpler. And peaceful.

Rest in peace, dear Kurt Cobain.

Another Year, Another Chapter

December 31, 2008

Love it or hate it, 2008 is slipping away faster than you know it. Here I am, spending the first few waking hours of New Year’s Eve churning out yet another long essay on my blog. It’s been a while since I came here, but now I’m back, and very much alive, thank you.

It’s ironic how much a person can change by 360 degrees in 365 days. looking back at my New Year’s Eve post exactly a year ago, i laugh out loud in disbelief at my attitude then. Go ahead and read that post. I was so negative, pessimistic and brooding, it was as if i was suicidal and actually slashing my wrists in misery as i blogged. I saw the glass as half empty (or nearly empty, in my case) and mulled over the lacerations, magnifying it in the microscope of my mind.

this year was no less shitty, too. my mother’s depression became almost manic, fights became more severe, ugly truths surfaced, and the O levels whammed me from all sides. and there was the problem of  My “Beautiful” Mind, which was the disease that resided within myself. it wasn’t outright depression, but it was a hollow sickness, a vacuum that reduced me to a walking puppet. life was locomotion and i moved along mechanically. well, if you lived with a depressive, you’d be like me too.

but this year, i’ve learnt something finally, something that school couldn’t teach me, that no one else could possibly communicate to me.

LIFE’S LIKE THAT.

you fall and you hurt yourself, but you don’t lie there on the kerb forever and whine about it. you get up and walk, after a little healing. the problem with me was that whenever i fell, i would brood about my wounds, and then i’d decide that a walk outside wasn’t worth it. then i’d shrink back home, slam the door shut, stay indoors and ponder over the wound that was. in my ill temper, i’d look out the window and regard the other people outside with disdain, preferring my misery to company, relishing my isolation.

but i forgot that as long as you were walking on your two feet, you were bound to fall. and those falls were meant to teach you and build you up. like how once, a little boy was leading his sister up a mountain path that wasn’t too easy. “why, this isn’t a path at all,” the little girl complained. “It’s all rocky and bumpy.” Her little brother replied, “Sure, the bumps are what you climb on.” We can’t prevent the crisis hours of our life, but we can deal successfully with them, and turn bad things into good things.

So this year, I’ve finally stepped out of my dark house to enjoy the sunshine on the sidewalk. I’ve made new, lasting friendships. I’ve done crazy things, like terrorising little children at theme parks and shaking hands with random people on the street on Christmas. I’ve (finally) come clean with an old crush, and it wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined. I (finally) spent Christmas with my mum. I fell, for the first time in my life, for a complete geek who laughed at the word “boob” everytime. I never thought I’d allow myself to commit that sin, but I have.

I’ve done something the Old Jenny would’ve laughed at: I’ve moved on from Green Day and related punk bands, and have since broadened my musical horizons to include alternative and indie bands which make much more sense to me than George Bush and his oddities. I picked up Bible reading, which previously was as boring as hell to me, and I now meditate on Christian books daily.  Best of all, I started attending church again. I know that the Old Jenny would’ve crucified me for that.

Thank you, 2008, for everything you’ve thrown at me. I’ll say yes to any challenge that will befall me next year. what about you? will you exit the year with a flourish or a whimper? ;)

Putting the Junk back in the Trunk.

December 9, 2008

Looking back at my initial posts such as this one, that one, and even the one about my previous battle with bulimia, i’m really thankful that i started my blog. firstly, it has let me talk about stuff i’ll never be able to tell someone face-to-face. in addition, it has helped me show a different side of myself to people who know me. on the surface, i may seem like a shiny happy individual leading my shiny happy life. but no, everyone has their fair share of ups and downs. i don’t want to fool people; i want them to know who i really am inside. and i’d like to thank everyone who didn’t shirk away from me even after knowing my imperfections and morbid-ness, but instead still accepted me and treated me normally. :)

i spent my weekend at church camp, which always helps me shake off my ghosts. i entered camp with a sense of dreading. i wanted to just give it all up, this whole “church” shit, and just go back to the meandering lifestyle i had. i didn’t know my role and purpose in church. hell, i didn’t know what “purpose” meant. i was just living for the moment. the wheels of my existence got caught in fine sand, and i was just spinning around energetically, making lots of noise and splattering brown slush all over.

suddenly, on the 6th of december, towards midnight, i knew. i realised. it was time to put the junk back in the trunk. it was time to give up the fake, to throw out the hate, to give and not to take. at one point i questioned myself: why me? why was i the child of the broken family, the one with the pain, the immense hate inside? why did i yearn for the fake glossy lifestyle that was not meant for me? and why couldn’t i let go of it all? instead i held it all inside, brooding, cynical.

that night, i let go of it all. yes, i had been bulimic, possibly bipolar, depressive, neurotic, morbid, (or ‘emo’ as you may call it), hateful, angry, restless. but these experiences were totally worth it. i had been through alot of shit, that was true, and i’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights on wet pillows. but it was all meant to mould me, to shape me, to build me up. it was like emotional and mental exercise, testing me, pushing me to the limits, stretching the muscle of my courage. and i pulled through. i’m proud to say that, despite all the shit i faced, i’ve never once contemplated suicide, never imagined cutting my wrist, nor other similar stuff. i always thought of it as yet another experience. during the camp, someone came up to me and said, “You know, you’re a brave girl.” i never thought of myself as brave, but on hindsight, i probably am.

but there was one more step to go, and that was letting go of the bitterness as a result of all the “experiences” and “adventures” of my wee life insofar. on the 6th if december, i made a choice to do just that. i’ve deleted the phone numbers of people in my foggy past, i’m kissing my depression good-bye. i’m throwing my dad, my past, my pain and all the junk, back into the trunk. i’m still searching for stuff to throw away.

it’s not gonna be easy. i might just find myself digging the trunk one day, taking back all the garbage that i once threw out. but i know that when that day comes, i’ll be a different person. no longer stuck in fine sand, but charging at full speed, cos God’s my engine now, and His Word is my fuel.

Jenny Spoke… And The Crowd Went Wild!

October 17, 2008

Or rather: Jenny Spoke… And The Crowd Politely Applauded.

so last friday, i hauled my near-frozen carcass up on the rostrum, for the very last time, to deliver my *ahem* valediction of sorts.

i was hopping around backstage prior to my turn, in an attempt to get some circulation going, and to thaw my numb vocal chords. you see, i had just done the unthinkable: i had gone for six hours without food, and two hours in miserable air-conditioning. that, coupled with my growling stomach that emitted rather loud crunching noises, as well as my stage fright, was the perfect recipe for one thing: ON-STAGE FAUX PAS. as expected, when i went to the rostrum to give the goddamned speech, i was like a parrot on steroids: hopping, nervy and vibrating.

truth to be told, i can’t recall what happened next. words started coming out of my mouth like vomit, and i was preoccupied at looking at this boy, sitting in the front row, who looked like he had petrol for lunch. strangely enough, the sight of him comforted me. There, at least I’m not the only one who feels like crap, I told myself. And i rattled on, with my gastric activity providing background music.

the most poignant thing, though, that I do remember, and will probably remember for a long time, was the applause. at the end of it all, it was that sound, the sound of hand slapping hand, that really mattered. i didn’t give a hoot about whether i had moved my audience, or if they remembered any word i uttered. it was the applause, the sound that shook the stage a little (no kidding), that really rang deep in my heart. it was worth it. the hours of mulling over material, the endless censorships thanks to my teachers, and getting the stuff into my head.

perhaps it was just polite applause, from a sedated audience. but in my mind, the crowd really did go wild. and to every single soul who clapped: THANK YOU. i didn’t wait for the speech; i waited for the moment. and thank you, The Crowd That Went Wild, for making that moment happen for me.

for all you dear honeybuns, here is my original, uncut, uncensored valediction speech. this is not for the faint-hearted. this is for the souls who have time to kill.

Good evening, distinguished Guest of Honour, Mr Chua Hun Cheong, Mr Ong, our Principal, Mr Toh, our Vice Principal, Parents and Teachers.


And, a very special ‘Good evening!’ to the stars of the show tonight, the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2008.


It is with great honour and privilege that I stand before you as the valedictorian. Yes, I know how long and scary that word sounds. But let me assure you that my speech is neither long nor scary, and I’ll be off this stage in a few minutes. You can relax now.


Today the 10th of October 2008, has been a very nostalgic day for me. As I was ironing my school uniform this morning, I recalled how long my skirt was when I was in sec 1. When I first wore my new school uniform and stood in front of the mirror that morning, I thought to myself: “Am I going to school, or am I getting married?” You see, besides being all-white, my school uniform resembled a wedding gown: My skirt overlapped my socks, my legs were hidden, and I actually fell down many times because I stepped on my skirt.


How many of you remember bus 962 at the Sembawang Campus? I do. I remember packing myself like a sardine on board the bus daily. And thanks to my 1.54m height, I had the dubious honour of standing face-to-face with many different armpits.


That was back in the year 2005, when we were all just excited 13 year-olds fresh from primary school. Some of us still remain that way. But now, sitting in this lovely MPH of ours, with ICs in our wallets instead of Pokemon cards, we Sec Fours are about to sit for a crucial exam: the O levels.


We can take heart though, that our teachers will be there for us. In fact, they’ve been there for us for 4 years, whether it’s been telling us to tuck in our “brouses”, to “commemorate” students for returning lost items, or simply giving us friendly reminders like “Junfei, can you take out your YEE-maths textbook?” Thanks, Mr Vijay. Our teachers have had sleepless nights marking our illegible scripts, coaching us after school, or simply picking us up when life brings us down. They have ultimately taught us something, whether it’s a subject or our inner selves. So on behalf of all graduating students, I THANK YOU, teachers.


If there’s one word to describe the class of 2008, the word is: ROJAK. Like a plate of Rojak, we are one giant assortment of different personalities. Some of us can’t live without basketball. Some of us, however, run away screaming when any kind of ball is thrown at us. We are all gifted with different abilities. However, like good authentic Rojak, the sauce that binds all of us together is thick and strong. CCHY, as much as we joke about it, has been good to us. We hate to admit it, but some of the best moments of our lives were spent here, be it during CCA, camps or even during lessons itself. In our 4 year Chung Cheng journey, we’ve discovered the joys of friendship, the pain of analysing SBQs, and the opportunities life has to offer. Best of all, we’ve discovered ourselves.


This evening, as we walk out of the MPH, with graduation certificates in hand, some of us may think: “Phew! At last! CCHY is all over and done with!” But I can assure you, my dear friends, that although we may leave Chung Cheng, Chung Cheng will never really leave us. The friendships formed here, the experiences we’ve had, are more valuable than the O level Certificate we’ll be getting next year. When we face a crisis in our lives, neither SBQ nor Pythagoras’ theorem is going to come and save us. What will save us, though, are the values, principles and life lessons we’ve learnt here in Chung Cheng.


This evening, as we walk out of the school gates with big dreams for the future, let us remember that life isn’t just about answering the questions. It’s about questioning the answers. And that includes your own.
To all the ‘brides’ and ‘grooms’ of Chung Cheng, C’mon. Let’s throw off our veils and kiss life in the face. I hereby pronounce you the class of 2008!