And “Oh My God” Is All We Can Say November 7, 2009
Posted by jennyspeaks in confusion, cultural, death, depression, drugs, epiphany, god, journal, life, opinion, random, sadness, sickness, unpopular truth, writing.Tags: Africa, Cocaine, Drug Addiction, Drug Trade, Guinea Bissau, life, NGOs, Politics, Prostitution, sadness, The World Is Ending, UN, World
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We are so ignorant. I’m so angry. There’s so much shit happening in the world. And we all let it happen.
I’m reeling in shock from what I’ve just read about what’s happening in West Africa. Well, yes, I love current affairs and TIME magazine and all that wordy crap. And yes I’m a dork. But moving on.
You may think “Yeah, yeah, they have no food, no water, they are skinny, they can’t read and there’s AIDS. Can you tell me something that I don’t already know?”
But this more than that. It’s not just sad or heart-wrenching. It’s scary.
Everyone’s involved in this. And the scary thing is that we don’t know it.
This seems pretty ridiculous and heavy. It shouldn’t be on the average person blog. But I can’t help it. I’m so disturbed. I’m going to write an entry here soon about this. You have been warned.

Sometimes I Do Stuff. October 29, 2009
Posted by jennyspeaks in about jenny, bullshit, confusion, cultural, death, depression, epiphany, journal, life, little things, random, sadness, school, silliness, teenage issues, unpopular truth, whatever., wordlessness.Tags: life, little things, sadness, school, self-esteem
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In my 17685th essay here, I am going to talk about my deteriorating self-esteem. Brace yourselves.
Well I don’t exactly know how to beat around the bush for this one, so I’m going to spit out the sorry truth. And the sorry truth is that I feel so worthless sometimes. Not that I’m blaming God or anyone for that. Nor do I expect any heavenly assistance for this because this is my own stupid problem. But that’s the sorry truth right there.
And the sorry truth gets sorrier: I especially have a problem with good-looking or “cool” people.
You see, whenever I speak to good-looking people or “cool” people, I automatically feel that I don’t deserve to speak to them. I feel unworthy to occupy their time. Why should they waste their time talking to losers like me? What ensues physically is that I start to clam up and babble lame things like “The weather’s so shitty”. And that probably seals the deal for them because they clam up too and give me weird looks. They’re probably thinking, “No, you’re shitty. And boring. This is the end of our conversation.”
Which really doesn’t help my self-esteem at all.
And it hurts when people stereotype you and assume that there’s nothing more to you. That you’re just a nerdy-pants who looks nerdy and lives nerdily ever after. Which may be true to a certain extent. But every nerdy-pants, though he/she may be as flat and boring as a coin, does have two sides, no?
Take for example the schoolmate who only bothers to talk to you to:
- Find out about your grades
- Ask if you study every day (which, for clarification, is a NO)
- Find out about the day’s homework
- Copy your homework
and thereafter assume that you do not exist.
I’m starting to think that all this has a link with my slouch, which has more or less reduced my backbone shape to that of a prawn’s. I’m not a Hunchback of Notre Dame yet though. Might reach that level in a few year’s time.
To conclude this depressing essay, I’d just like to say that it’s only human nature to judge and stereotype. For example I’m judging those “cool” people myself and assuming that they’re dismissing me. And similarly others judge me and assume that my main goal in life is to finish my homework. So this is how karma works then. I’ll just swallow my pride, lower my head and walk along. And maybe secretly swallow some potato chips as well.
Home Improvement Madness. October 10, 2009
Posted by jennyspeaks in about jenny, confusion, cultural, depression, epiphany, holiday, humor, journal, life, random, sadness, unpopular truth, whatever..Tags: Christmas, Cleaning Up, Domestication, Home Improvement, humour, life, Lizards, mother, Plastic flowers, Renovation, sadness, Sewing machines
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Sometimes I feel that I’m slowly morphing into a middle-aged housewife.
I had a relatively carefree childhood, one that honed my free-spirited character. I didn’t understand the rationale of cleanliness (why clean something when it’s going to get dirty again?) and I could never understand my mother’s preoccupation with plastic flowers and vases.
However as I grew older, I began to feel the weight of the burdens that are associated with running and maintaining a home. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not have any particularly strong desires to behave like a housewife/homeowner. I’m just a kid. But still, being the only other person around at home to help my single mother slowly elevated my status from being “mummy’s little helper” to “mummy’s only helper”. I still did not give much thought to the weight of my role, until last month when my mother’s arthritic stabs took a turn for the worse.
And then I began to grasp the enormity of my responsibilities when my mother could no longer perform to her “full capacity”. I took charge of grocery shopping and minor chores like sweeping and dusting. In a bid to lessen the laundry load, I picked clothes carefully, opting for jeans so I could wear them a few times. I tried ways and means to earn extra cash so that my mother didn’t have to fund my transport.
I felt rather old among my friends, because while they yakked I would be making mental grocery lists or deliberating on whether the table fan needed cleaning or not. It was altogether pretty odd behaviour for an adolescent. Perhaps the one good thing that came out of my mental preoccupation with domestic matters was that I pondered less about what I could eat next.
What ensued was a period of mental torture because by nature I am a social creature. I pretty much hate pottering about the house when I know that concurrently my friends are at the beach having a barbeque. Or accompanying my mother to ogle at different sewing machines when I have no inclination towards such objects whatsoever. But I knew that as a daughter I had some filial duties and my mother depended on me. And so I suppressed my urge to slash those damn plastic flowers and did what I had to do.
In my mother’s calendar, Christmas is coming soon. And that doesn’t signal Christmas shopping but rather cleaning and pimping the house for bloodthirsty relatives. To be fair, the house isn’t in fantastic shape either. And that fact kind of hit home when things began to malfunction back-to-back, lizards began strutting around like they owned the house and cobwebs hung like chandeliers.
Here’s a glimpse of the To-Do list:
- Clean and throw out kitchen storage cabinet
- Clear out the storeroom and throw all the junk
- Clear the ancient pots in the oven (with ancient food in them)
- Cleaning of display cabinet and water pipes
- Dispose sofa and clean the area
- Clean behind the TV set
- Install the DVD player
- Install ceiling lights and clean up the aftermath
- Dispose bedroom bookshelf and clean up
- Empty and shift plastic cabinets to the kitchen
- Sort out clothes, arrange in new wardrobe
- Send the sewing machine for repair
- Buy material for new curtains
- Clean Kitchen cabinets and chest of drawers
- Sell VCR, DVD Player and Desktop Computer to Karang Guni
- Buy full-length mirror and install it
- Paint ceiling
And it goes without saying that I have a part to play in all of the above. Oh well, I guess that Mummy’s Only Helper has to come to the rescue!
You’re needed, so stick around. August 22, 2009
Posted by jennyspeaks in confusion, cultural, depression, epiphany, god, happiness, journal, life, random, sadness, school, unpopular truth, whatever., wordlessness.Tags: Best Friend, Blessings, Friendship, life, Loneliness, mother, relationships, Reliability, Thankful
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Ever had the feeling that you were just horribly inadequate? That you were neglecting everything and everyone around you?
I did.
I felt like a lousy friend. When I met up with my best friend yesterday after aeons, I realised how much I underestimated the significance of our friendship. I thought that I would be able to get along just fine with my life even though we met up erratically.
But after all the disappointments I’ve faced so far, after putting my faith in people that didn’t put their faith in me, it was such a blessing to see my old girlfriend waiting for me at the bus interchange. As reliable as clockwork. As sincere and real as she always was. It was just like the old times as we shared the grievances we both faced in our new lives. Spending the day with her totally made my day. It also reminded me that when the world ditches you, someone would be there you lift you out of the gutters.
I felt like a lousy daughter too. I was spending less and less time with my mother. And I knew that I was all that she had left. It sort of pained me to see her waiting up for me all alone when I came home late. The moment I stepped into the door till the instant when my head hit the pillow, my mum would bombard me from all sides, asking me about my day, offering me a supermarket full of food to eat, relating the full news bulletin to me, etc. All her small talk just screamed of loneliness.
But after all the empty chairs and distant faces, the fake smiles and manipulation, the using and the discarding, it was such a blessing to return to my pigsty of a home, and see a familiar face waiting for me. Someone who was joined at the hip with me, whether the both of us liked it or not. In a way we were both in the same boat, me with my busy life and she with her quiet life. We both felt alone and clung to each other for reassurance.
What’s the present without the past? As I soon found out, I truly needed these two characters back in my present, and hopefully they’ll stick around for my future too. I’m sorry to have left them out of the script so far. Maybe that’s what was missing from it.
:”( June 19, 2009
Posted by jennyspeaks in about jenny, confusion, dating, depression, epiphany, journal, life, little things, sadness, sickness, silliness, teenage issues, unpopular truth, wordlessness.Tags: betrayal, breakup, dating, heartbreak, life, little things, love, sadness, teenage issues
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Ever since my estrogen has been able to control my feelings, I’ve been playing with fire and getting burnt again and again. It brings me to the top of the world when the rush comes on, the heady feeling when a guy looks you in the eye. And you know that it’s more than just a look.
But I have fallen again and again for people who toy with my emotions, and then discard me.
Like how I came to know about someone who has hooked up after hanging on to me for so long.
And how, upon reflection, I realise that it’s not the first time I’ve been so caught up in the moment that I forget there’s no ground beneath me at all.
Then the bubble bursts and I plummet and I pick myself up. Only to be swept away again by that smile, that touch, those words. Cycle repeats.
Heartbreak heartbreak heartbreak. There’s only so much I can take.
I guess this is where my cynicism comes in handy. Let me switch back to my asexual mode, take a step back, and laugh at the folly of hormone-induced “love”.
I’m just unlucky, I guess. Now where’s my tissue.
Writer’s block blues: To blog or not to blog? May 28, 2009
Posted by jennyspeaks in bullshit, confusion, depression, journal, life, little things, random, sadness, school, sickness, wordlessness, writing.Tags: blogging, inertia, Jessica Simpson, life, sadness, wordlessness, writer's block, writing
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My posts here are getting erratic and my last post was so measly. It’s not that I’ve got nothing to bitch about. Rather it’s been the opposite—so many things have been happening around me that I’m losing focus.
Thoughts, which were previously as clear as crystal to me, have become hazy ghosts that flit around briefly in my head before dissolving into my medulla. I know I’ve got something—or actually many things—to write about. But when I stare at the blank “New Post” screen it stares right back and the blinking cursor taunts me and I ask myself why I am even at WordPress in the first place.
So the question is: To blog or not to blog? Should I consciously sit down and force myself to come up with something? Or should I just treat my blog as somewhere I go to only when I feel like it?
Of course most people would argue that blogs are for penning your personal original material. So why bother forcing yourself? For a while, I did just that and I didn’t post for a few months. I felt as inarticulate as Jessica Simpson, for whenever I wanted to post, a few naïve and ugly sentences would come out.
But then a gnawing sense of heaviness grew within me and before I knew it, I kept going back to my blog and staring at it. Clicking through the stagnant pages, I felt that some part of me was withering.
Furthermore, people were leaving me messages asking me to update my blog. Friends wondered if I was having some sort of emotional withdrawal. I missed sharing my verbose essays, no matter how wordy/eccentric they were, with people who actually gave a damn and read my crap. And while people gave a damn and kept coming back, I didn’t give a damn and I left a gaping silence.
And so I think I do have a responsibility to update, and in a sense compel myself to write. I want to go back to the old days when I could bitch on and on about anything at all. I never want to be handicapped inarticulate again. So here I am, trying to fill the silence.









